• Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘It’s day 237,549 of winter...’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, It’s day 237,549 of winter. My feet are now developing webs and my ability to breathe underwater is now at least on a par with a whale. The last sighting of the sun was around the time mother could fit into single figure clothes sizes. The last time we actually managed seven days

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘you know what they say about boys with big feet – expensive hand-made shoes…’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, Dare I say this actually out loud? Perhaps not. * Whispers * Ok, so who has finally managed to sooth the soul of the crazy weather woman? And more importantly, how? I’m thinking the sacrifice of several Welsh wazzocks and a vat of wine? Am I right? Whoever you are frankly you deserve

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I’m not angry, I’m just very disappointed’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, I am sad to report that my plan from last week didn’t work. I’m honestly not sure if you all merely paid lip service to my stunningly brilliant idea and didn’t wish to sacrifice the sh*tlands, or you just couldn’t catch the ankle biters, but I just don’t think we gave Mother Nature

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘Go forth and capture’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, Right, enough is enough. I am fed up to my still-amazing-and-frankly-the-only-part-of-me-that-still-works back teeth of this flipping rain. It’s as if someone has given Mother Nature a Guinness Book of World Records (other beers are available, I believe) and she’s trying to outdo herself every month. It’s about as funny as the mothership trying

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘This, my friends, is revenge time’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, I know that I am blind as a bat in my right eye, but I could have almost sworn I saw some blades of grass in among the sea of mud in the fields the other day. Now, I could have been wrong, and it could have been an Irish worm en-route to

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘Braving the latest round of Mother Nature’s tizz-woz’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear diary, I’m not sure this year can get any worse – which bearing in mind it’s only February and my mother is well, you know, my mother, is saying something. So far, I have been the subject of illegal prawn photos distributed by my mother and Crazy Self-employed Lady, been scalped within 10mm of

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I have more emotional baggage than Heathrow’s left luggage office’
    by Hovis

    Hovis is unimpressed with his current situation. Dear Diary I don’t even know where to start describing my last week and I am concerned that even trying to, will result in me needing therapy from the horror of reliving it or have me arrested for sharing indecent content. For once, it’s fair to say I am literally lost for words. The weekend

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘To come between a woman and food is like sticking your tongue into an electric socket’
    by Hovis

    Dear Diary, Once again my apologies for not writing last week but the blubbership was in Mum-bye (sadly more of an au revoir than a final goodbye), and as always was too tight-fisted to pay for me to have a secretary. She says that she won’t let me have another laptop after I trashed a

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘I am much maligned’
    by Hovis

    Dear diary, Thankfully I’ve just got the mothership to write this down for me before she ships out to Mum-bye (lord, if only!) for a week, but it’s likely I won’t be able to write to you next week as she will be busy being a smorgasbord of culinary delights for the resident mosquito population.

  • Hovis’ Friday diary: ‘genuinely, what the flip is wrong with her?’
    by Hovis

    Dear Diary, Happy New Year to all of you and I hope you had a good Kissmuss. Apologies for the lack of diary for a few weeks, but firstly the mothership bobbed off to see a big canary, and then to hog-her-mane in Scotland. Personally, I didn’t think she had the cheekbones to rock the

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